Unqualified

Last September, I got the chance to work at a place I’ve been dreaming of working at since I got to college – a production company that specializes in creating sports content. Yet, when I walked in on the first day, I realized I would be doing a completely different job: live, athletic broadcasting.

Essentially, I work with a team of people to broadcast athletic events. Soccer, volleyball, softball, baseball, basketball – any sport that can be streamed, we cover it. And what exactly is my job? Well…

You know when you watch a game and the scoreboard is sitting at the bottom? And sometimes, little facts/tidbits of information pop up and show you how well a player or team is performing? Well, fun fact – that’s a human, not a robot. And that’s my job. And when I found out that was going to be me, I felt utterly and completely unqualified.

As someone who has grown up in a house centered around sports, I picked up a lot over the years. But, when I first showed up to do a soccer game, I had no idea what an off-sides penalty was. I had to watch a YouTube video to know what the key terms in volleyball were, and you think you understand the possession arrow in basketball until you’re the one in charge of keeping up with it. And while my brother played baseball for years, it took me at least a month to understand how to score a baseball game, because it can be a bit confusing when to mark something as a hit or a fielder’s choice.

Now that I’ve done this job for over a year, I realize that I was never unqualified. In fact, this job was a God-send. It required me to analyze statistics and pull out the interesting information for viewers. It is teaching me how to take criticism – learning how to not let things get under my skin. Most importantly, it reminds me that you can’t be good at something without some trial and error.

I am a classic perfectionist. Meaning, if I don’t think I can perform well or to a standard of excellence, I just shut down. This job does not allow for that. If I screw up, I have to try again. If my information is wrong, I have to correct it. If the machine breaks down in the middle of the broadcast, which it has several times, I have to be calm under pressure and reset things.

This is something I don’t cross-over into my life very often. I strive so hard for perfection, and it tends to make me forget the fact that no one is an expert until they try. I have so many dreams and ideas that I’d love to accomplish, but my fear of failing or being embarrassed stops me from putting myself out there.

I do this exact thing with writing.

I have been writing in a journal for close to a year now. It’s a lot of the same kind of content that I would put in this blog, but I keep it to myself. I have a friend who runs her own blog, and after I told her about mine, she constantly asks me: “Hey, have you written anything on your blog? You should!”

Well… sort of.

I love to write things, but they are all sitting in my ‘drafts’ bin. And this is because of that nagging, annoying little feeling that I had on my first day at my job – I don’t feel qualified. I feel like I’m too young, that I don’t have much to say, or that the people of the internet don’t need another person trying to preach to them through the words of a blog.

But then I read the words of other people and find tears in my eyes. I find comfort, or laugh at another friend-that-I’ve-never-met’s words, and then I know that writing is something I really want to do.

So, to be honest: I don’t feel very qualified to write. But, I do feel this voice telling me to do it. I feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders when I express something in words that brings healing, comfort, or peace. I have a lot of wisdom that I hope to share with friends and family. I also feel like I have a desire to bring some transparency into a world where so many of us feel like we have to fake like we know what we’re doing, when sometimes all we really need is a friend to say, “Hey, I’m a little lost too.”

So, here I am, trying to start a blog. I may be unqualified, and may feel a little vulnerable, but I’m also trying to be ok with it. Because like I said before – how can you be qualified until you try?